Arcades are dead in America, and that is beacuse they didn't hire people like me to run them. Operators opt for goofy titles that make people want to kick your ass while playing. Behind those are some ticket games which you can then trade in for some fucking dignity. Below are a few of the titles I've been tricked into playing as a child. The only reason I'm hear today to share these stories is because I hid in the ball pit for 3 hours and then slam dunked Chuckey Cheese in the face.

Above: Big Bertha was conceived inside a toaster oven with DNA extracted from a VHS copy of Fat Albert : Raiders of the all you can eat buffet..

Big Bertha's strategic gameplay involves throwing plastic balls into her mouth. Advanced players may use both of their hands at once. It doesn't really matter what you feed her fatass though. I've shoved a folding chair in there, and heard of one guy who threw in his little sister and won over 5,000 tickets. Now I'm not saying you should be throwing babies into that slut. I'm saying the best thing to do is feed her a couple of hand grenades and duck for cover behind the Skee Ball machines. Remember to yell "FIRE IN THE WHORE" so everyone in the Arcade is watching.

Above: Brave Fire Fighter. This game might be fun if it had nothing to do with fire fighters and the hose was instead used to run a live video wet t-shirt contest.

When I started playing Brave Fire Fighter, I didn't know what to do, because everything was already on fire. Water usually doesn't make things explode, so I needed to get crafty, and fast. My first encounter was with a hysterical woman who lunged after me like a bum on a porkchop sandwich. I kicked that bitch into a burning broom closet, powered up my Hydro Cannon, and blasted a refrigerator in front of the door. Later on I tricked a group of "civilians" into an abadoned gas station. I snuck around back and let loose with the Hydro Cannon, hitting the gas pumps with 50,000 PSI. This resulted in a nuclear explosion, wasting the entire city and netting me 10,000 bonus points for swiftly saving the country from an eminent zombie attack.

Above: I guess Gauntlet Legends could be fun if you eat enough toxic playdoh.

In order to create Gauntlet Legends, the developers of the original Gauntlet had to be killed. They were captured, released into a real life Gauntlet, and killed after yellow wizard shot all of the food. Since the core of Gauntlet is mashing buttons, an announcer was needed to explain how to get anything done. Developers of Gauntlet Legends wanted to build upon this with advanced 3D sound effects. Careful planning was needed for someone to cover this unique and difficult task. So a tape recorder was placed inside a locked 1st grade classroom filled with retarded children, John Madden, and the first season of Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers.